Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
