My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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