I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
