Im at strip club and am horny
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is Oprah even human
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
