she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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