my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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