Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
