He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
