just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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