bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
