I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize