I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
