whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
