I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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