I'm pants shitting drunk right now
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
