soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
