I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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