She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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