booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
