so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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