So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I have tasted many bathrooms
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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