Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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