life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
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