Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
