I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
