cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
