He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
