there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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