forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize