was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
