He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
