I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
