worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
