i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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