I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
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