i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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