i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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