We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
