And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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