He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
