her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
