Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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