This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
