just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
