You're so nebulous sometimes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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