Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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