I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
