I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
