I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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