My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize