Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
