I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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