I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Holy sore nipples Batman
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
