i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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