Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
