if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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