Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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