Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
