Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i think i have two assholes
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
