So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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