So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
