Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Randomize
